my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Someone signed my nipple.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize