The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
