dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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