Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
