so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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