why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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