Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
