i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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