Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
