i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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