This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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