Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
