Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize