I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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