I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
