tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize