her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
