I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
