Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
