Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
