God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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