Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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