The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
