PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
