Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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