her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
