My Higher Power is John Stamos
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
