you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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