I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
