Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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