he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i think my cat just said my name.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
