My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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