my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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