BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
