I wish I only lived at night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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