I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
