I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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