i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
