the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
