it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
