I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
