god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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