The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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