It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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