she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
