I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize