Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He better not be in your backpack
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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