i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just had sex on a roof
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
