You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
