You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My vagina just recognized that song.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
