We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
