I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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