How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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