I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
