Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
so much tequila, so little girl.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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