Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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