why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
