The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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