I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You were trust falling into bushes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
