She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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