I hate your face
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
