U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My vagina is officially offended.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
